Failed hopes

Now that the holidays have long passed, I am hoping for the best in this New Year of 2019, for my two Schizoaffective sons. I’d like them to have more symptom free days. I pray that the doctors will be guided to prescribe the right medications for each of them . I’d like to see some joy in their lives instead the daily struggles, the fights for a somber survival. This would be a true gift, No, a true Blessed. I visualize peace in their minds and hearts more dats than not for this year unfolding.

Just 6 weeks ago, My 23 year old (Joey) Schizophrenic son was mostly stabilized with his new meds. It was so nice to not have to worry about him randomly suffering on the ground or banging himself up in pure torture several times a day, almost every single day. His episodes/attacks were down to about once, maybe twice daily. A huge turnaround!

Around this time, I was patiently hoping and praying for my young 18 year old son Noah’s hallucinations to cease. Even though he told me that what he sees doesn’t bother him and they’re (the shadows) just a part of who he is. His Abilify was increased from 5 to 20mg. The Abilify visibly helped his nervous body movements, his sleep, his appetite, and improved his mood and attitude greatly! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, this medication has taken away his STRONG uncontrollable thoughts/voices, urges, and visualizations to hurt strangers (which he’s acted on). Since this Abilify kicked in, he no longer had violent nightmares either. Another plus, he was brought way down from a dangerous Manic phase and was able to finally get restful sleep.

However, his anxiety level has not been helped at all, as the matter of fact, it has noticeably peaked. Maybe because there have been a handful of back to back, unexpected and uncontrollable life changing events that swiftly followed shortly after his 18th birthday in November.

First his father flipped out of control on him during an argument and said some really mean, hurtful and abusive things to Noah and his Little Brother. Things that can never be forgotten. He no longer wants contact with his father most days. Other days he feels confused about it all and says he was caught in the middle of his father and Little Brother.

Then just 3 days after his 18th birthday, him in I were in a horrible car accident on the highway; we were rear ended while stopped to exit the freeway when we were slammed by a Mid sized GMC Truck. The guys’ truck and my sedan car were both pronounced totaled and had to be towed off the highway. We are lucky to be ALIVE!

Noah was finally taken off of house arrest. Had his first job interview and started his first job. I know all of these life changes are huge stressors that could deteriorate him soon if this medication doesn’t help with his anxiety, delusions, and audio and visual hallucinations.

I worry that Noah still has strong trust issues with people, including family. His hallucinations seem to be more vivid and constant. Instead of seeing things from the side of his eye, peripheral vision, he is now seeing actual strange people pacing around in our house!

I’m extremely concerned about this but He says the hallucinations don’t bother him and tells that it’s just a part of who he is. He says he’s not worried about it and neither should I. But me Knowing-that he is seeing creepy things that are not really there, makes me really uncomfortable because I know it is very real for him. I can imagine that it would be very stressful to not know what’s next. And because of these creepy things that escalate at night, he gets little to no sleep. What worries me mostly, is that I feel like it one day might bother him so badly, that he is propelled into another dangerous Manic phase which will cause him to act in a dangerous harmful way towards others again. Even worse, maybe the “Others” will perhaps even be us here at home.