Loosing it

Life, is a Gift, I know. But I don’t want it anymore.

My whole life has been painful, so very painful and I suffered for much of it. I thought by now my suffering would be long behind me. I have never, never been so wrong. Two weeks ago, things have went from bad to worse with my two youngest sons.

I bet all I had, on these two sons of four, to continue the successful family trend that I had worked so hard to achieve for us. It turns out that I was a salmon swimming uphill in a poisonous river.

How NAIVE I was, to think that all I had to do was, “Break the Chain” of generations of dysfunctional family cycles! Life reminded me that I am not the one in control here, when it smacked me straight into my new reality. I now know, that the Cruel links comprised of Mental Illness are UNBREAKABLE!

I am afraid of myself and my intense feelings these days. I don’t want to feel anymore pain. I have this constant heart squeeze. This heart pain wont go away. I no longer can understand the purpose of a life full of suffering. For years, I tried so hard to learn what my mission here on earth would be, but every time I think I’ve discovered it, It slips through my hands very quickly like sand and then I begin to backslide into what has now become quicksand. I become heavy, weak and suffocated each time. Although, I somehow have been able to resurface many times, back up into my sandbox life. I don’t think I can make it back up this time.

Im hurting for everyone in my family here and I am once again hurting for me. This time I can’t let go of the concept in my head, that this is it and it’s not going to get better. These thoughts are new and strong, I know I need to shake them and continue to be the strength that keeps my family well and together. I just can’t. I have done all I can and I’m weak and helpless. It hurts to exist.

Very gloomy thoughts are consuming me to the point that I forgot how to shower the other day. I am unable to focus and do the work I have been doing for the last twenty years. I can’t sleep and if I do, I am executed again in my dreams. I do not wish this kind of a tortuous existence for anyone.

I’m afraid this long road of perdition will NEVER end for me. Surely this Kind of a Karma is a culmination of my multitudes of many lifetimes.

I cannot see any light at this time. I only SEE and FEEL darkness. Faith took flight.

My lord and ONLY Father, I am so sorry and I repent to you for all of my sins in each of the lives you have gifted to me.

I’m so tired. So very tired.

My Lord help me please, help me revisit your Grace so that instead of seeing the light, that once again, I am returned to it. Please end this endless pain. Take me home!

This is a world of dying before death. And I’m so tired.

So tired.

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